How the NYPD knew it was my birthday I’ll never know, but they did and they were nice enough to give me a present. Today! – My birthday! – My car was towed! Towed not because I was blocking a fire hydrant and endangering the lives of my neighbors, not because I had a number of outstanding parking tickets (depriving the city of much needed revenue), and not for any reason that even the most bureaucratic bureaucrat would agree with. My car was towed for double parking 5 minutes past the posted alternate side of the street deadline. Double parking on my block, a side street, a lane, a  rarely used alleyway where everyone double parks from 9:30AM to 11:00AM every single Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. Happy Birthday to me.

When I arrived at the Brooklyn Navy Yard Tow Pound, two undercover police officers were standing outside the main structure. I took my place in line behind them. One of them told me to go ahead in, that they were standing here waiting for their patrol car. “Your car was towed?” I asked. “Yup, can you believe it?” he said obviously very pissed. I didn’t know what to say so I walked through the swinging doors, that are the main entrance – Then I thought of something and went back. “At least you can get angry,” I said.  The partner just laughed but the cop who spoke before snarled, “We don’t get angry, we get even,” like he’d said a thousand times before.

Inside was pretty close to what I expected: the DMV on Lunesta. There were the florescent overhead lights, the ugly mint blue walls, and the scuffed 8X8 tile flooring. In the middle of the floor was taped a large white letter T. The top of the T faced five very dirty teller-style Plexiglas windows. Two men-I guess it was there birthday too- were standing in line over the white T, and a third, who’s posture indicated that he had already given up on being impatient, was in front of the only Plexiglas window that was staffed. The lone worker was unhurried, she was sluggish,..,she was slow. But to be fair she was also holding a conversation on her cell phone. Even more egregious, (apologies non-geeks), she was typing on a teletype style keyboard and looking at what appeared to be an old IBM 3270 style monitor. 1970′s technology at best! There were aging notices taped everywhere.

WELCOME TO REDEMPTION PLEASE START THE LINE BETWEEN THE POLES AND WAIT UNTIL YOU ARE CALL THANK YOU

DO NOT POST ADVERTISEMENTS BY ORDER OF NYPD.

I took my place in line. There were three of us now and it was quiet. Quiet like it was quiet waiting outside the principals office. Quiet like it was at your uncle’s on New Years Eve and you don’t want your parents to notice that it’s seven hours past your bedtime. Quiet like someone had something of yours locked away and you couldn’t get it. Something that would cost ten, twenty, or fifty thousand dollars to replace and you weren’t going to get it back if you didn’t behave yourself. It was real quiet until a uniform police officer walked in talking on his cell phone.

“I don’t know… I’m going to see. OK bye.” He dialed another number. “Hello… Yeah, this is officer So And So…. Yeah, I’m gonna be late today… My car was towed… I was parked in a bus stop…Yeah, I was dropping my kid off. Can anyone there help me with this?…I don’t know. OK”

The uniform officer didn’t take his place in line behind me, but stood on the side, ignoring the big white T taped to the floor. Still it was quiet. The three of us would occasionally eye him and glance at each other, but we said nothing. And still the same guy was up at the Plexiglas window.  The lone worker was no where in sight.

Overall, I want to thank the NYPD and Mayor Bloomberg, in particular, for my birthday and though it will be much harder to surprise me next year, I hope you try.

Thanks for reading, Jim.

Police get ready to leave after it was determined that the corner of Carroll and 7th Avenue was safe for pedestrians.

Strange happenings on Carroll Street between 7th and 8th Avenues today.  First, residents woke up to their block lined with orange traffic cones.  People were told by two thugs, with NBC employee badges, that the NBC Muppet Christmas special, Letters to Santa, had reserved the area and that anyone parking their car on Carroll Street between 7^th and 8^th Avenues would be towed. When a resident pointed out to them that signs posted on the block, by the Mayor’s Office for Film, Theater, and Broadcasting, clearly stated that parking was to be restricted only on Wednesday, September 10^th, he was told that, “the time for talking was over.”

Later, at around 4PM, the police received a call of a suspicious package on the corner of Carroll and 7^th Ave.  Several patrol cars arrived and blocked traffic for approximately 40 minutes until it was determined that the black bag left on the corner posed no threat.

Neither NBC nor any of the Muppets could be reached for comment.

(For those who don’t know, let me premise the following by saying that Park Slope and cars — or more specifically Park Slope and parking — go together as well as Rosie and The Donald. The neighborhood is nicknamed No-Park Slope. Google, Parking “Park Slope” and you’ll get no less than 284,000 hits.)

I use the car almost exclusively for work these days. My job entails a lot of driving and a lot of parking: metered parking, alternate side of the street parking, running into the office to get a set of apartment keys double parking, waiting in front of a fire hydrant to pick up the photographer parking, not knowing you left the car in front of a church or private school parking, coming back to your spot, finding your car missing, thinking it was stolen and finding out it was f$%#ing towed parking, amongst other categories of parking. Since the acquisition of the Honda, I have contributed inordinately to the city’s coffers – over $3,000 inordinately that is. And it is this fact that uniquely qualifies me to present you with the following revelations:

(Sadly, as I scribe this using Cafe Sutra‘s free WiFi, I have to run out to feed the meter…I’m back)

Parking Mantra: Be pessimistic.

Stop believing that life is fair, stop wishing things will work out, and stop hoping that maybe this time you won’t get a parking ticket. Face it – the city is on their game (I’m not happy about it, just stating the facts). Park illegally, give them the opportunity, and they will write you a ticket. My advice: prepare for the worst and have a plan. Read on.

The Tao of Parking: Take your time.

Relax, slow down and park the way God intended us to … legally. Give yourself a little extra time and you’ll be able to avoid parking where the city says you can’t. To demonstrate my point, the statisticians at From The Stoop, have carefully recorded empirical data over the last three years and have calculated the following:

• You have a 31% chance of getting a ticket within 10 minutes of an expired meter.
• The odds go up significantly after the 10 minute mark.
• You will receive a ticket more often for not moving your car during alternate side of the street parking then any other violation. (Think of it this way, if the DOT hired you to catch fish (i.e. parking violators), and you knew that in a specific cove (i.e. block), of a specific lake (i.e. neighborhood), at 11:01 AM every Tuesday, you could catch no less than 11 lunkers, wouldn’t you fish there every Tuesday at 11:01 AM and take the rest of the day off?)
• 23% of people will actually claim to observe the ticket being written and placed on their windshield.
• 43% of the 23% mentioned above will claim to have told off the ticket writer.

Point is, relax, drive safely, drive slowly, and park legally.

Parking tip #1: Save your quarters.

‘Nough said.

Parking tip #2: Employ the Double Time rule.

Sub-tip 1: Fill the meter for twice the amount of time you expect to be there. It’s a lot cheaper then the ticket. (25 cents per one-half hour as of this writing.)

Sub-tip 2: Always double the estimated time it takes to get to your car. Car parked 5 minutes away? Give yourself 10.

Parking Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Forget…

Again, from empirically gathered data, I know that the number one cause of expired meter and alternate side of the street parking tickets is a lost track of time. Solution: set an alarm. If you’re high-tech, set a reminder in your Palm or Blackberry. Want to go low-tech,? Get an egg timer. And, just as importantly, don’t wait to set it or put it off because…you’ll forget! Don’t make, or return, or answer a phone call. Don’t run into the office to get out of the rain. Don’t reach into your ashtray for a quarter. Don’t do any of these things before you set the alarm – because if you do, (remember empirical data) you won’t set it. Always set the alarm first and then do the other things.

There’s more I could write (including how to fight your tickets online), but this is already a long post. Please forward your own parking tips my way. I still need all the help I can get. Thanks for reading, Jim.